There is a term used to describe those who are in a role that they internally do not feel capable of, even if they are. It’s called Imposter Syndrome, and it’s more than just feelings of passing self-doubt. Imposter Syndrome is feeling like at any moment, you will be found out, and exposed as a fraud. Imagine that, a fraud! That is some extreme internal drama.
This is how I feel about taking this blog in a new direction. (Which you can read the abridged version of, here.)
I feel a bit like a fraud. In truth, no matter which way I seem to go, I feel this way.
Do I stay in the world that I’ve been attempting to exist in, and hide the fact that in my home we pray, we blast worship music, we read daily devotionals? On the other side of this, do I completely come out of my shell and tell the world that I do in fact, love Jesus, that I feel all blessings come from a supernatural source, and in doing so lose the respect of people who aren’t religious (some who are so turned off by the mere whiff of Christianity, that they immediately scoff)?
I mean. Yeah. That second part. That’s what I am choosing.
This is not a decision I’ve come to lightly. I’ve been so wishy-washy with my faith in the past, that I’m surprised God hasn’t completely turned His back on me. I’ve lived such a worldly life, that I’ve been hesitant to make this change in my life public because, well, things like Google exist. My first page of Google results will show you that I’m not perfect, in my own words! The good thing about writing this blog, from my perspective anyway, is that it’s meant to show how imperfect we are, but that we are loved anyway. We make mistakes (daily!) and are loved anyway. We say regretful things, and are loved anyway. We do shameful things, and are loved anyway. You get my point?
The voice inside my head tells me that I am an imposter for doing this, for taking this blog in a direction that highlights my faith, because of who I’ve been in my past. That same voice tells me that every post will be scrutinized at a level that will cause discomfort. That I’ll be ostracised for speaking out in such a public way. That I’ll immediately have no friends (aside from the handful I know from church, such as the ladies from my bible study group whom I love dearly). That my coworkers will poke fun, and that even my job will be threatened. Future opportunities may be jeopardized, because who wants to hire a Christian blogger?
I also feel as if any argument that may come from this, I’ve already had…with myself.
I’m not a squeaky clean Christian. But, you know who else weren’t squeaky clean Christians? The Apostles. The Bible calls them “unschooled, ordinary men”, only qualified by the fact that they chose to be with Jesus. Already, I feel as if I’m at least on par with that. I’m choosing the same thing, to be with Jesus, and see where He leads.
In time, the feelings of inadequacy over going public with my faith may pass, I assume that they will. My inner critic may quiet down, or will at least get on board with what I’m doing, and become a constructive critic instead of telling me that I’m an imposter. Regardless, I’m still choosing to be with Jesus. Publically. Bravely.
“I’ve commanded you to be brave and strong, haven’t I? Don’t be alarmed or terrified, because the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Joshua 1:9 (CEB)